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Welcoming my grief at the door

Welcoming my grief at the door

by Jess | Jul 31, 2019 | Uncategorized

Tonight I grieve deeply reminiscing on my short time I had with my love Trey and sweet friends Alex and Caleb. I wanted to share my experience recently and my evolving definition of this word we call “grief”. I have chosen to accept this night dedicated to feeling...

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    May 7th we celebrated Trey’s 27th birthday. Ever May 7th we celebrated Trey’s 27th birthday. Every year seems to hit a little different, but this one came at me hard. Trey left this physical realm when he was only 20 years old. Age continues to take a hold of my body and mind yet it is frozen in time for him. Memories flood my mind. But as if a flood was trying to fill a desert floor. Not enough. Never enough. These memories are scarce and that is what I am afraid of. The time without Trey is soon to replace the time I had with him. And I find that hard to grasp. My grip is tightly squeezing the last of these recollections but each year some are lost or lose their colour, their significance, their feelings attached. All I have are my words and my pictures. My mothers best friend died when they were in their 30s. Now 30 years later my mother still talks as if she was with us just last week and how cool she would be in her 60s. Time continues and yet love stays. And this is where I find peace. Love is not tangible or to be contained. It does not have to be connected to a memory or space in time. It is not just a feeling, but a state of being. And I want to stay in that. Trey visited me in the sky the other night and I couldn’t have felt him more if he was standing right next to me. Last night I wept. Hard. Love was all around even within the pain. Here I am. Aging. Growing. Experiencing. And are overwhelmed with the beauty of life. The beauty of death. Love hard my friends! It’s a beautiful thing. Happy Birthday T. You are missed and you are loved.
    I wanted to share a poem I wrote about year ago. L I wanted to share a poem I wrote about year ago. Living abroad is not always easy and the grief that joins it is real. Words help me move through it ❤️ #livingabroad #movingawayfromhome #spokenword
    📍Earnslaw Burn One of the most challenging hike 📍Earnslaw Burn One of the most challenging hikes I have ever done, but also the most rewarding 🏔️
    Somehow it’s been 3 years since the first lockdo Somehow it’s been 3 years since the first lockdown. 3 of the most transformational years of my life. Let’s start with Jess from that first video. I hesitated to post this first video, because of the pain that this version of myself held for so long. The embarrassment and shame that I carried from gaining weight after deep grief and not understanding why my skin wasn’t like it use to be. I now know that all versions of me are worthy, beautiful, and deserving of love. March 2020 I was living in New Zealand. Thom and I had only been together for 4 months. I was healing from many years of disordered eating. A healing that I didn’t know needed to happen until I was on the other side of it. I was moving away from years of punishing my body for changing, years of binge drinking and partying. I was only at the tip of the iceberg of my healing journey that started in 2018. I then went home to Oklahoma during this first year of the pandemic. This time allowed me to take a long look at who I was pretending to be and who I really wanted to be. I started eating to feel good. I began loving every inch of my body, my vessel (this took a long time). And I started exercising not because I hated myself but because I loved myself. I began to focus on healing my hormones naturally after 7 years on contraception. I found a beautiful and uplifting community in Tulsa. I made the decision to get on accutane that healed my skin. My inner spark was coming back to life. And it began to show drastically in my life physically, but also mentally. 3 years later I have traded nights out for pot lucks and ecstatic dance. I have traded adderall for breath practices and eating mindfully. I have traded alcohol for cacao. I have traded weed for sobriety. I feel full of life and love. I am grateful for it all. I vulnerably share this to acknowledge the transformation that can happen in such a short amount of time. 3 years ago I was lost, confused, frustrated, and broken in many ways. But with the support of a loving community, partner, and an inner knowing that I was ready for newness the darkness began to change to light. Love you friends. Thanks for reading. Keep on keeping on!
    it was when i stopped searching for home within ot it was when i stopped searching for home within others and lifted the foundations of home within myself i found there were no roots more intimate than those between a mind and body that have decided to be whole - rupi kaur
    Recent trip to Great Barrier Island 🏝️ Recent trip to Great Barrier Island 🏝️
    Happy Valentine’s Day to the funniest person I k Happy Valentine’s Day to the funniest person I know 💌
    I’ve been living here for 8 months now and this I’ve been living here for 8 months now and this view never ever gets old 🏔️
    Friends that play together, stay together 🧡 Friends that play together, stay together 🧡
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    © Jess Winkle 2020.

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