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Welcoming my grief at the door

Welcoming my grief at the door

by Jess | Jul 31, 2019 | Uncategorized

Tonight I grieve deeply reminiscing on my short time I had with my love Trey and sweet friends Alex and Caleb. I wanted to share my experience recently and my evolving definition of this word we call “grief”. I have chosen to accept this night dedicated to feeling...

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    Jessica Winkle
    Impromptu dance off at a gender reveal lol Impromptu dance off at a gender reveal lol
    Hello again instagram 🦉 I’ve been feeling th Hello again instagram 🦉 I’ve been feeling the call to start sharing again after some much needed time away from the world of media. Even though I stepped away from my online presence, I stepped into my life with more presence. It’s given me a greater perspective on how easy these social platforms can be the forefront of every thought or action. (“Gotta get the shot.” “Wait let me record this.” Etc.) I want to move back into this space with greater awareness and discipline, but I do know that these platforms can also bring a sense of connection and support. Something I have felt deeply when I share vulnerably about my grief and journey. So if you’re here, thanks for being here. I love you and I hope your dance in life has been all things. Some updates & things I’ve been loving these past few months: Companionship with my fiancé @thom.cooks (soft launch) Working and meeting incredible humans @aroharetreats Cuddles with my foster cat that recently went to her new forever home. Dancing, lots of dancing. Potlucks and community. Cacao. Catan and bananagrams. Here’s to the next chapter that unfolds x
    Today at 5am I called my mom before I went to work Today at 5am I called my mom before I went to work. She told me that my sweet Charlie died. Charlie was our other family dog for 15 years. Cody and Charlie both lived to 15 and died 7 months apart from each other. Today they are back together. The initial pain did not arrive as I knew I needed to go teach a yoga class and I also knew Charlie was not doing so well so it didn’t feel unexpected. Serendipitously todays class I taught was with the theme “Expansion & Contraction.” Sometimes in life we are expansive and other times we are contracted. That’s life. The cycle of everything around and within us. Our breath, seasons, age, nature, birth & death. We are all dancing through trying the best in which we know how. Today I meet my grief that feels quite different and unfamiliar. This is my first loss living overseas and many different emotions are at play here. Guilt, numbness, gratitude, sorrow for my family. It is all beautifully interwoven creating a concoction of love within me. I am constantly learning the ways that feel supportive and nourishing to my soul during these times. Cold plunges, crying, cacao, dancing, community, music, walking, & writing just to name a few that fill me up. Finding these practices and tools allow me to move in pulsation with life itself. I did not have this insight into my inner world when Trey died. Alcohol and drugs were my first go to for that pain. I am grateful for learning the language of my body and soul. When I left home after visiting in January I knew it would be the last time holding my sweet Chunkers. Here is a video of just that- a moment in time that I will forever cherish. Raw, unfiltered, without music. Honouring the vunerbility of grief and the gift to be able to share that grief. The waves in which we will all ride along for the rest of our lives. Cody and Charlie watched me grow up. They were constants in my life. Pet loss is weird, difficult, harder than I thought it would be, and also so telling of the love we receive and give to these beautiful animals in our lives. Surf’s up my friends. Keep riding the waves and reach out if you find yourself underwater. With love.
    cold water immersion findings: more productivity cold water immersion findings: more productivity more energy throughout the day less anxiety ❄️🧊
    Flowin with @dbrownyoga 🌀🤸 Flowin with @dbrownyoga 🌀🤸
    May 7th we celebrated Trey’s 27th birthday. Ever May 7th we celebrated Trey’s 27th birthday. Every year seems to hit a little different, but this one came at me hard. Trey left this physical realm when he was only 20 years old. Age continues to take a hold of my body and mind yet it is frozen in time for him. Memories flood my mind. But as if a flood was trying to fill a desert floor. Not enough. Never enough. These memories are scarce and that is what I am afraid of. The time without Trey is soon to replace the time I had with him. And I find that hard to grasp. My grip is tightly squeezing the last of these recollections but each year some are lost or lose their colour, their significance, their feelings attached. All I have are my words and my pictures. My mothers best friend died when they were in their 30s. Now 30 years later my mother still talks as if she was with us just last week and how cool she would be in her 60s. Time continues and yet love stays. And this is where I find peace. Love is not tangible or to be contained. It does not have to be connected to a memory or space in time. It is not just a feeling, but a state of being. And I want to stay in that. Trey visited me in the sky the other night and I couldn’t have felt him more if he was standing right next to me. Last night I wept. Hard. Love was all around even within the pain. Here I am. Aging. Growing. Experiencing. And are overwhelmed with the beauty of life. The beauty of death. Love hard my friends! It’s a beautiful thing. Happy Birthday T. You are missed and you are loved.
    I wanted to share a poem I wrote about year ago. L I wanted to share a poem I wrote about year ago. Living abroad is not always easy and the grief that joins it is real. Words help me move through it ❤️ #livingabroad #movingawayfromhome #spokenword
    📍Earnslaw Burn One of the most challenging hike 📍Earnslaw Burn One of the most challenging hikes I have ever done, but also the most rewarding 🏔️
    Somehow it’s been 3 years since the first lockdo Somehow it’s been 3 years since the first lockdown. 3 of the most transformational years of my life. Let’s start with Jess from that first video. I hesitated to post this first video, because of the pain that this version of myself held for so long. The embarrassment and shame that I carried from gaining weight after deep grief and not understanding why my skin wasn’t like it use to be. I now know that all versions of me are worthy, beautiful, and deserving of love. March 2020 I was living in New Zealand. Thom and I had only been together for 4 months. I was healing from many years of disordered eating. A healing that I didn’t know needed to happen until I was on the other side of it. I was moving away from years of punishing my body for changing, years of binge drinking and partying. I was only at the tip of the iceberg of my healing journey that started in 2018. I then went home to Oklahoma during this first year of the pandemic. This time allowed me to take a long look at who I was pretending to be and who I really wanted to be. I started eating to feel good. I began loving every inch of my body, my vessel (this took a long time). And I started exercising not because I hated myself but because I loved myself. I began to focus on healing my hormones naturally after 7 years on contraception. I found a beautiful and uplifting community in Tulsa. I made the decision to get on accutane that healed my skin. My inner spark was coming back to life. And it began to show drastically in my life physically, but also mentally. 3 years later I have traded nights out for pot lucks and ecstatic dance. I have traded adderall for breath practices and eating mindfully. I have traded alcohol for cacao. I have traded weed for sobriety. I feel full of life and love. I am grateful for it all. I vulnerably share this to acknowledge the transformation that can happen in such a short amount of time. 3 years ago I was lost, confused, frustrated, and broken in many ways. But with the support of a loving community, partner, and an inner knowing that I was ready for newness the darkness began to change to light. Love you friends. Thanks for reading. Keep on keeping on!
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