It’s okay to be okay. Feel it all. Love it all.

My word for grief in my life currently is ever-changing. Throughout the past three years, I have found myself on the rollercoaster of grief that has showed me the deepest of lows but also the highest of highs.

I just finished this amazing podcast by @aubreymarcus called “Fifty Years with Ram Dass with Raghu Markus.” In the beginning, they discuss the way Ram Dass looked at death and how we can live in many different planes of consciousness. From my own experience the first few months after my friends passed away I was only living in the grief plane. I was stuck in this feeling of despair and loneliness. I believed that this is how I was supposed to feel and just had to ride the wave until I found my breath. Praying each day I wouldn’t drown. Then as more time passed I was able to laugh again, live a little, and be more present. But sometimes I even would find myself getting angry about being happy because I thought I was moving on too fast. 

Now as my grief experience is ever-changing and I am continuing to learn from spiritual leaders I now know you can live on more than one plane of consciousness at the same time. The grief plane and the understanding plane. Being able to be fluid and loving all the planes you are on is the key. It’s easy to get stuck in one or the other. The overwhelming feelings of pain & brokenness and on the other hand the understanding of the impermanence of life but not allowing yourself to feel because why does it matter? 

This past month I have been feeling it all. I hosted my first Yoga For Grief workshop. I became a yoga teacher because of my grief and finally being able to hold the space for others in this state brought up a lot of emotions. I am walking in my truth, but I also have to remember to feel what arises in me. I did a group Breath-work session with @marcelhofmethod last week and during the experience, I was taken back to the hospital rooms with my friends. The smells, the conversations, the tears it was all within reach happening right in front of me.

I was getting stuck in this trauma and couldn’t catch my breath, bawling like a baby. Marcel guided us to feel it, but also just to observe it. Not let this story fully encompass your being but to just breathe into your belly. I let myself experience it all. I found an overwhelming amount of release after doing this. Hearing the words from my friends. “I am okay. You are okay.” I came out of the breath-work session feeling much lighter and shared my journey with the 50+ people around.

Some days I cry and miss Trey, Alex, and Caleb and then I can transfer that energy into pure love and awareness. I am learning each day that it is okay to be on both planes of consciousness at the same time. Accepting with what comes up and also being able to still laugh. Laughing, Learning, and Loving it all. It’s all apart of this journey of life. I am thankful for the teachings of impermanence and suffering. And I am thankful for the deep love we humans can experience.